I’ve done a lot of food blogging in recent months, developing new recipes and posting some goodies from my cookbooks as well. Today, I am not posting ANY food pics – but I hope you’ll still stick around, read, and join my discussion (despite not having any visual food appeal)!
I’ve been mothering for 12 years now. I’ve been writing cookbooks even longer, and blogging about 8 years. Through these years, I have been asked many times – both in my personal life and through online acquaintances – “how do you do it? … how do you find the balance?“.
My short reply is often “I’m not sure there is any balance“. We may wax poetic about how us moms can “have it all”, but is that really true? Can we? For me, motherhood and working has always been more of a juggling act than a balancing act. With all the demands of family and work-life, something has to give – eventually a ball is going to drop.
Admittedly, I don’t even experience the challenges of working outside the home. The pressure and stress that must arise from trying to keep on top of chores, errands, your household, kids’ activities, homework, and just simple “time” with children – to talk about daily joys or worries. I can only imagine how trying it must be to keep on top of day-to-day life. Myself, I have perpetual guilt when I’m working… that I’m spending time in front of the computer instead of with my girls. (Time in the kitchen is easier to mentally and emotionally justify – the family reaps the benefits of the cooking and baking). And, if I take much time off to reboot with my family, I feel I am not being very responsive with you, my readers – and that I am falling behind on deadlines and projects.
One day I was on the computer (I have dubbed myself “momputer”), and the girls were stick-handling in the garage with hubby. I heard our middle girl say “mom’s missing out on all the fun because she’s tweeting to the world“.
*sinking heart* 🙁
Truth be told, the idea of dodging pucks in a cold garage is NOT my idea of fun. Yet, I realized in that moment that our girls see me momputing a lot because I don’t have “regular” work hours – I’m catching up when they are engaged and I have a few moments.
As I said, something’s gotta’ give. For me, it’s two areas (1) social and leisure time and (2) household. I rarely go to movies or concerts or events or dinners or even tea with my girlfriends (they are nodding their heads right now). Hubby and I have little time together as a couple too, partly because we are struggling with babysitting right now, and we don’t have that extended family support which is such a blessing when raising children (even for their connectedness with other loving adults). So, I work and mother most of my hours. The trickiest part for me is that working blurs into mothering and mothering back into working – there is little separation between the two. Also, areas of my house are disastrously disorganized! I need that Peter Walsh bloke in here to help me sort out my office, my kitchen pantry, and my PHOTOS! (who else has 164,987 digital photos of their kids to go through? Raise your hand!)
At times it feels like you are not doing anything particularly well! Anyone relate to that? In my heart of hearts, I know that really I AM doing a good job with my work, and more importantly that I AM a pretty good mom (I have my shit days, and even shittier hours). Yet, I think as women, we are often tough on ourselves, because we hold ourselves to high standards and expectations – rooted in our goals for our career and family. As I type this, I have the contract for my next book. I am excited and yet plenty nervous, wondering how I will “do it all”. Things have gotten busier as the girls have grown, and they aren’t slowing down yet!
Recently I’ve had many discussions with girlfriends about this pressure of working and motherhood. Several of my friends have been at home with their kiddos since birth, and now that their youngest children are in kindergarten they are struggling with the decision of going back to work. We have talked about how it’s still so busy even with the kids in school, catching up on household chores and also being part of school volunteering, and more. Then, once the kids are out of school, our days truly just begin! With homework and activities, dinner hour, and bath/bedtime and getting ready for the next day – there is so much to do in those after-school hours. Some of my friends don’t really want to go back to work, but they feel that pressure to do so, that it is expected. Many of them are asked “well, what are you going to DO now?” Huh?! I find that upsetting and unfair, as if there is nothing to do during school hours. And, it is disappointing that our worth is so quickly ‘diminished’ as mothers once our children are in school. Our children still need us, in many ways! Also, many mothers feel the financial pinch to get back to work because our current day of parenting means we have so many expenses associated with our kids’ activities. After being at home for 7-10 years with children, it’s not simple to transition back to the work force. We need more flexibility with hours, our skills sets may need retuning, the field we’ve worked in has moved on “without us”, we may have completely different interests than before (often we do).
While I hardly have all the answers, I have found a few things that work for me. First, I do love my work. It feels meaningful and creative and purposeful. I wouldn’t work as hard as I do if I didn’t have this connection and passion. Second, I respect my burnout. When I have had too much, I break from blogging or social media. I only blog about once a week, because that’s really all I can maintain right now. Third, I respect my sleep. I have always been an early bird – early to bed, early to rise. So, I don’t abuse that. I shut off from momputing by about 8:30pm. Here’s the embarrassing confession: I’m in bed most nights by 9:30. I know, plant-powered partay! Well, I’m often up at 5:30 or 6am, so it’s my rhythm. Sleep is critical for maintaining our serenity as mothers, and I have had periods of torturous insomnia after having children – which could be a whole post on its own. So, I do my best to respect my rhythms and try – try – not to be hard on myself. Fourth, I exercise. I don’t run miles or endure long, exhausting workouts. For my body, just small spurts of daily exercise works best. So, 20-30 minutes a morning of yoga, weight-training, or rebounding (I hope to post about that soon)! Fifth, I feel whole foods help energize and stabilize me through the day. My diet is about 80-85% whole foods. I’m not perfect, I enjoy my treats. I love my . And there you have my sixth coping mechanism. 😉
There are many things I know I should do more. I know I should meditate, have more “me” time like spa visits (ahhhh!), get out for girls’ nights, and also get away to food and veggie conferences more often. Maybe in time. I’m sure I could fit in even 10 minutes of meditation a day, that might be the best place to start.
As for “finding the balance”, that may forever remain elusive … at least until our children are much older and independent – and by that time I will likely miss the noise and chaos of my current days. 😉
How do you feel? Are you a mother working from home or outside the home? How do YOU do it all? Do you feel you have “balance”? Do you feel a lot of pressure from peers and family and society to “get back to work”? Does that upset you? What are your coping strategies? Please share your thoughts and experiences. I’d really like to hear from you on this, and if you have any links to share – feel free to do so.
Jane says
after a VERY difficult day/3 weeks on computer (funding applic – whole family income depends on it) i went crazy, daughter was struggling….then i wake up to this. thank you Dreena Still one more day to go, but……
Dreena says
Jane, hope you are doing okay. If this helped in any way, I’m glad. As mothers, we need to cut ourselves some slack and give ourselves due credit for how much we are juggling. Hang in.
Eve L. says
Everything you said! Every single thing! Right on the mark. There is no balance to it, at least in my life, but I do take pride in working extremely hard and hope it rubs off on the kids. At least we’ll know we did our best. My husband’s and my “date nights” don’t exist — we usually catch up on early Sunday morning walks when our kids are sleeping or relaxing. Our kids are now 12 and 14 so we can actually be a little more flexible if we need to get out but we have had very little couple time in the last decade and a half! We do talk a lot about what we’ll do once the kids are grown – my, do we have a lot of fun things planned to do together! So I tell him to stay healthy and watch out as he crosses the street, so we’ll both be around to do these things.
As for “me time,” I do yoga and walking, which make me happy and keep me from becoming a stressed-out mean mom. Of course, it’s just more stuff to have to work into the schedule, so it’s kind of “hurry up and relax” when it happens.
As a freelancer I work from my house a lot, which is fantastic — no commute involved. But it also means working as late as needed to meet deadlines, having to ignore family members at home and repeatedly telling them to be quiet! Working at outside work sites makes things more hectic, but when the day is over, it’s over (at least with what I do).
I guess I’m trying to cram being a stay-at-home mom and a working mom into the same small space. I can do it! But I’m not always in the best mood while doing it 🙂 Luckily most of the women I see around me are in the same boat, so I don’t feel alone, but rather part of the vigorous activity of living, being engaged with the world, and being a parent.
Dreena says
Eve, I feel some comfort knowing that hubby and I aren’t the only one that don’t have much ‘date time’. It really is very difficult for us at this time, and we look forward to our girls being a little older and our eldest being able to babysit the crew, even for small outings – like you mentioned a walk on the beach or out for a tea. Can you imagine when they are grown, we won’t know what to do with our time?? LOL!! I also have that feeling of “hurry up and relax”, which feels counterintuitive for yoga, but I’m not great at being totally ‘zen’ when there is so much going on around me and even more to do. Thanks for relating, and helping me feel a little more ‘normal’ too. xo
shira says
I work full time as an attorney, but I’m lucky that my husband is a stay-at-home dad and does the bulk of the household chores, plus doing a fantastic job with our kiddos. Still, I feel very conflicted being at work all day and make a special effort to be home for dinner every night and do as much as I can with the kids on the weekends. I definitely made some sacrifices in my career to be a more present mother and I don’t think there’s a such thing as having it all. There’s no work-life balance, just choices.
Dreena says
It’s the mama guilt, hey Shira? We are torn working too long and feel we need to ‘make it up’ somehow – to our kids, and hubbies too. I’m fortunate to have a very supportive husband too, and while he doesn’t do the bulk of the housework, he manages several things *all* the time, and also does a lot of the driving for activities with the girls (almost all), and that accounts for a LOT. Plus, he does the cat litter. That is priceless. 😉 Thanks for chiming in.
Emily says
I could relate to so much of your post! I run a small translation agency and work from home, have four little ones ages 2 months-8 1/2 years, and when the school we had hoped would be a good fit for our family didn’t work out as planned, we started homeschooling. I love our life, but often feel like I am doing all things rather poorly, and too much time on the computer is definitely one I feel terrible about. I find that having some me time that I don’t in anyway feel guilt about is the way to go, and for me, that is writing. I take a once a week writing class, and I’ve started blogging some of my stories. Meanwhile, my house is in chaos and I’m trying to shift my thinking from “once I get all my to do list done, that’s when I’ll be more present and engaged with every aspect of my life” because the truth is, the to do list never gets done (or even much shorter).
Dreena says
4 kiddos between 2 mos and 8 yrs – and homeschooling – and working! Holy smokes, Emily, you need a medal. To wear everyday as a reminder! I’m glad you’ve found some time for a hobby/pursuit that gives back to you. We need that, for our happiness and sanity. My house will always be in chaos I figure… time to accept it. 😉
michelle says
i;m with you, Dreena.. i don’t think there is any balance. or, at least, i haven’t been able to find it. i actually recently decided that this will be my last year of doing home daycare because of all these issues. i’m feeling burnt out with work, though i still love my job. i just don’t love every minute of it anymore, lol. i feel like i’m ‘mothering’ someone… my kid or not.. constantly. and when i focus on work, my housework and sewing/reading/cooking suffers. AND, i realise that i’m so lucky that i do work at home, and i can throw on a load of laundry during the day and do other little things. so i’ve decided that i’m going to take 6-12 months off work altogether. i want to be able to sew more, read more, cook more, and finally go on a field trip with the school! after i’ve taken some time off and recharged my batteries, i’m really not sure what i’m going to do. which is really exciting.. and terrifying!!
until then, quilting is my major stress buster. there’s something really zen about getting in a groove of stitching.
Dreena says
oh wow, Michelle, I know that must be a difficult decision for you. There are times for change, and it sounds like you are ready for just that. You may discover a whole new path/passion for yourself – if not, there’s nothing wrong with having more downtime and just enjoying life, right? Clearly you are meant to quilt, too!! xo
michelle says
it is a hard choice.. one i’ve been thinking about for the last few years! but now i’ve officially set a date.. finished July 1, 2014. it will be harder on us, financially, of course, which is why we are taking steps now to ease the burden.. cutting some costs, trying to save more, and i hope to sell a few quilts during my time ‘off’. i can’t even tell you how much i’m looking forward to “Just” taking care of my own family & myself.
after a while, i think it would be cool to work at our local natural foods store.. they have an in-store gluten-free and mostly vegan bakery. and it’s a short walk from home. there’s also a gluten-free store close to home, and a bunch of bookstores that would be cool to work in. but i’m not focusing too much on that part yet..
eventually, i’ll probably come back to home daycare.. there are a gazillion of things that i do love about working from home! and with all these little sweeties! just need to take a break before i start dreading my day, you know?
Kelly Lehmann says
I’m just starting my home business as a Registered Dietitian in Kelowna. My kids are 3 and 6 and I can totally relate! It is so much work just to stay in touch with everything on line, never mind managing my actual clients! I still think my kids get more time with me than if I worked out of home. My husband and I go on dates whenever family visit, I run and I only manage two baths a week for my sons! And a few years ago I decided having digital photos on my computer is a way of organizing them, I’m not going to worry about that one anymore! Thanks for the post Dreena, came at a perfect time (4 months into my business- http://www.OkanaganRD.com!)